I can do this!

So I sat down and figured it out, if I were to write 175 words per day from today until new year's eve, I can finish the number of pages I had in mind for my novel. When I look at it that way, it doesn't seem bad at all. An average page has like 250 words or so and I am sure I can do a page a day. I just really need to get myself pumped to do it. It was so exciting to start the project at first back in April of 2008. ( I started another novel first in October 2007 but changed my mind and put it on the back burner for the one I am writing now. I was like 40 pages into that one so maybe it will be book number 2.) But as I got further into it, the excitement of the newness of it began to fade. Kind of like many relationships in my past. I also think that I take for granted how incredibly easy it is for me to write because in reality it isn't that way for several people I know. Still, if nothing else it is definitely something I need to finish. Something I want to finish. (This is already over 200 words right here.) Ok, ok I can do this!

Here we go again...

I decided to write something today. Not that I have anything really all that exciting to say. Time just keeps rolling right along and I really feel sometimes like I am no further than I was 3 years ago. In fact, sometimes I feel like I am going backwards. I desperately need to figure out what to do with my life. I can't believe how hard that is. I seriously thought I had it all figured out when I was 18 years old but I completely did not. I have only seemed to figure out what I know I don't want to do. I probably shouldn't even be writing about it because it is bound to put me in a bad mood. And on that note, I am changing the subject.

I am glad the summer is almost over. It means the best time of the year (minus hay fever, hearing Jason complain about how much he hates the cold, and raking the 5 gazillion leaves from my yard) is quickly appproaching. My birthday, Christmas, and our anniversary are just around the bend and also what seems to be turning into a yearly trip to Disney. Yay, I can't wait. This year we are probably going on a cruise and visiting the park for a week or so. We just have to figure out when to go and buy the tickets. Whenever we decide it can't be soon enough. I really would give anything to get away right now for a little while. Even if it is to just sit on a beach somewhere, I would be very happy.

We were trying to get a little reunion going with some of the people from Titusville but that doesn't look like it is happening for this year. I am bound and determined to get back there within the next year though because next September it will be 15 years since we started dating. Crazy how time flies like that. I really don't feel that much older but I guess the calendar says I am.

This is from a blog I wrote a few years ago...

August 10, 2008 - Sunday
the butterfly
Current mood: fascinated
I may seriously be off my rocker here but...

Today Jason and I were making some changes in our decorating namely in the living room. We have always had an affinity for asian inspired stuff so we bought some new things yesterday for the walls and in the process decided to change the whole color palette of the room from the blues to reds. We use to have a blue couch and a lot of stuff was based on that but earlier this year we changed out that old couch for a new brown leather one. The blue worked well enough with it but we weren't really feeling it as much as we use to. We have been making changes all over the house recently and will be getting another brown sofa so we can move our tan one into our spare room. So with all the brown and black in the room, navy was just too much. Plus we have this awesome red buddha that was Jason's grandma's and it just didn't have a place with the old stuff. So we moved out our blue chair too which I am hoping I can find a nice home for since I really hate to throw something perfectly good away. Moving the chair left room for us to shift the dragon/asian trunk we found to right below the window. I thought why not put that red buddha there sitting on the trunk framed by red curtains that I moved from another room to replace the blue ones that were there before.

Here is where the butterfly comes in, the only window in the living room that has the curtains drawn is the one where the air conditioner is which is also the one above Buddha. I noticed there was a shadow of a butterfly on the window. I took this as a sign for a few reasons. One, butterflies always remind me of asian things. Two, the symbolizes change and transition. Three, I couldn't help but feel like it was the presence of a loved one around us. One reason I was thinking that was because right before I noticed it Jason and I were discussing where we should put the Renoir painting we had of his grandma's as once again it has too much blue and just doesn't fit with the new living room. It was like saying that it was ok to change things. I know I sound like a freak with this but even though I am not religious, I am very spiritual. Especially lately feeling my lost loved ones around me constantly. Also ironically the song I use for Jason on my cell phone is called "Sleeps with Butterflies".

I found an interesting thing that talks about what butterflies mean to different cultures/heritages. It speaks for itself.

Many of the ancient civilizations believed that butterflies were symbols of the human soul.

The Greeks believed that a new human soul was born each time an adult butterfly emerged from its cocoon.

Butterflies have been used by the Chinese and Japanese cultures for centuries as symbols of joy and the essence of happiness. Both cultures have added them to manuscripts, paintings and drawings for centuries.

Early Europeans believed that the human soul took the form of a butterfly so, they viewed the butterfly with great respect and often with fear.

Northern Europeans throught that dreams were the result of the soul-butterfly's wanderings through other worlds.

In southern Germany, some say the dead are reborn as children who fly about as butterflies, resulting in the belief that they bring children.

The Irish believe that butterflies are the souls of the dead waiting to pass through purgatory.

Native American Indian legends told that butterflies would carry the wishes to the Great Spirit in heaven to be granted.

Shoshone Indians believed that butterfles were originally pebbles, into which the Great Spirit blew the precious breath of life.

Native American Zuni tribes believed that butterfles could predict the weather. The Zuni also believed that the white butterfly predicts the beginning of summer.

The Blackfeet Indians believe that dreams are brought to us in sleep by a butterfly.

The butterfly is a symbol of the fertility of the earth among some tribes of Mexico.

Born out of the caterpillar in the chrysalis, butterflies were a symbol of rebirth, regeneration, happiness, and joy to Native Americans in Mexico.

The Maya looked upon butterflies also as the spirits of dead warriors in disguise descending to earth.

A dying man in the Solomon Islands has a choice as to what he will become at death and often chooses a butterfly.

Among the Nagas of Assam the dead are believed to go through a series of transformations in the underworld and are finally reborn as butterflies. When the butterfly dies, that is the end of the soul forever.

The Aztecs believed that the happy dead in the form of beautiful butterflies would visit their relatives to assure them that all was well. These butterflies flew around the house and around bouquets of flowers which were carried by Aztec men of social rank.

Metamorphosis of butterflies and moths is one of the mysteries of Nature. The ability of these insects to change from the crawling caterpillar to the flying adult is almost magical.
Many people are so awe inspired by the metamorphosis that they believe that butterflies and moths could never have evolved over millions of years without a God behind it.

The night butterfly [the moth] attracted by the flame, like the soul attracted by heavenly truths, burns in the flame, reflection of the trials that must be endured to eliminate the fleshy sink-stones before knowing the joys of the beyond.

Hmm... maybe I am not so crazy about this butterfly thing afterall.

Lady Gaga has over 10 million fans on facebook???

Wow! Apparently I am the only one that hates her. I think she is terrible and I wish she would disappear. She is a perfect example of why I can't listen to music on the radio. I don't have much else to say about her but when I heard on the Today Show that she is the first person to reach 10 million fans on facebook, I couldn't believe it. 2012 must really be the end of the world afterall. Oh great the Today Show is doing a whole piece on her now... click... Ok I seriously just heard someone on tv say that her music breaks barriers. Get the fuck out of here!!!

Dear Sleep, please come visit tonight. XOXOXO Melissa

I couldn't sleep last night and it was so annoying. I don't know what I would have done if I had to go into work somewhere. I would have been a total zombie. Still even at 3 in the afternoon, I am pretty tired. If I was one of those people that could sleep for 15 minutes and feel refreshed, I would totally do it. But unfortunately I am one of those 2-3 hours later and I still don't want to get up kind of people. And for that reason, I get up when my husband gets up at 6 am even though I am not going into work. My hope though is tonight I will sleep. I don't know how people do this for days at a time. I couldn't. Oh, I need to stop talking about this or I am going to make myself even more tired. I will admit though for the past 6 weeks or so I have been fighting really hard to stay awake during the day. I have been feeling pretty exhausted for some unknown reason. I don't really feel like anything else is wrong just tired. Maybe watching my puppy sleep all the time is wearing off on me. Come to think of it, the little booger is asleep right now. And sometimes I think she might be the reason why I can't sleep as well. Atleast last night when she was reverse sneezing right in my face. (It's a boston terrier thing where they can't catch their breath and sound like a little piggy.) I was so mad, I finally fell asleep and she woke me up. She is lucky I like her or I would have punched her. LOL (Not really, no animals were harmed)

So enough about that. Time to talk movies. I love watching movies. Finally watched Bruno this weekend and yeah that was terrible. Loved Borat, hated that movie. Saw Shutter Island too, not really my cup of tea. I don't like thrillers at all but I thought I would give it a try. Maybe other people would like it but once again not for me. Now that I think of it, I didn't like any of the movies we watched this weekend including The Road and Did You Hear About the Morgans?. Hopefully this week will be better. I know Eclipse comes out and I really want to see it since it was my favorite of all the Twilight books but I refuse to go when it first comes out. Although I may reconsider. And atleast Blockbuster near me is going out of business and I got some of my favorite movies on Blu-Ray now. Had them all on dvd but when the sale is that good, who can refuse.

I didn't mean to wait this long to write in between blogs but I kind of forgot about it. So hopefully next time will be sooner and I will have more to say. Just been kind of uneventful lately.

Everything will come, exactly as it does.

It has been a little too long since I have written in my blog on myspace and I kinda miss it. But since no one uses myspace anymore including me, I need a new place to write. I really don't know that I will have anything all that interesting to talk about but we will see how it goes. If nothing else, I need to keep practicing at the whole writing thing. Sure, the time would be better spent finishing my book, but that can be so overwhelming that writing a few paragraphs here about completely unrelated stuff would be nice. Recently, I found a journal that I wrote my first semester of college and it really made me want to do something like that again. Very interesting to see my thought process back then, wow have I changed. I think for the better, fortunately. My life pre-Jason was pretty empty and that writing reminded me of that. But now it is on to bigger and better things and finally time for me to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. LOL.

So let's see what is there to say about me? Been married for five years to my best friend although we have been together alot longer than that. Almost 14 years now, damn I am old. LOL. I don't have kids and not sure that I really want them afterall. I kinda like how things are the way they are. I have a puppy, who is not really a puppy anymore. She turns 1 next month. I can't believe it. She is awesome though and we are thinking of getting her a companion but I am afraid I will get Cujo or something the second time around because she is just that good minus the whole destroying all her toys in two seconds. But it's better than my furniture so I can't really complain. We own our home and love it and have spent the past year or so redecorating/remodeling it. It's a very special place to me with lots of great memories.

Currently, I am not working but it is completely by choice. Although I do hope to find something that I will love to do soon. But it will come along when it's suppose to, so I am patiently waiting. I am kicking around going back to school but I will probably wait on that decision until Jason finishes his Master's next summer. We would never see each other if I did it now and that just isn't acceptable. Plus, I am not 100% sure what I want to do. Like I said, patiently waiting. Everything will come exactly as it does.